2017: The Year of Forgiveness

It would be an understatement to say that this year hasn’t been my own reality show nightmare full of ups and downs; however, it was also a year of great accomplishment and a testament of strength. Spring semester, I balanced a job PLUS an internship, crewed a show, performed in a small skit and graduated with a B.A. in Communications and a minor in Theatre with honors, I might add. In the summer, I was fortunate to travel to Japan with my family for a few weeks and then in the Fall, I traveled for a month across the country to visit a bunch of friends--I even went on a Disney cruise to the Caribbean and to Disneyworld! There has been many positives, all of which I am proud of and grateful for, but there were also difficult moments that held significant lessons to embrace.

I’ve learned that re-hashing of the hard times does nothing. So to honor that, I will not be going into detail about the saltier moments. If you know, you know--thank you for being confidants and supporters. The important thing is what I have learned from this year and how I want to continue in the coming one.

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“I got new rules, I count ‘em” (now)

Long story short, I dealt with people this year that I let into my life in large capacities who hurt me on deep levels. I trusted individuals, let myself be vulnerable, fully myself and genuinely committed; however, in the end, I was greatly let down and it kinda f*cked up my trust in people even more than before. When shit happens, anxiety escalates and makes you think that you’re the problem, that you were too this, or too that, that you weren’t enough; it puts the blame entirely on you and weighs you down in ways that feel suffocating, diminishing and self-destructive. It’s easy to see why some put walls up so high that trying to bring them down is a seemingly impossible task. It’s why some only like to stay surface-level in their interactions/friendships or why they may be outwardly cold and standoffish. Putting a wall up with people is easy once you’ve been hurt so many times--breaking the walls down is what the real challenge is.

I now find myself more hesitant to open up to people and trust them--my anxiety takes over and thinks of the worst case scenario. But I also think that maybe I let people in sooner than I should and that in itself presents a lot of problems down the line when it comes to genuine relationships and friendships. I think that also has to do with my acute naivety and “maybe this person is different” optimism. My close friends can attest to how hard this year has been for me and also for them because they’ve had to deal with my emotional self. I am very grateful for those who have been supportive and loving this year.

#postgradlife

Before the semester ended, I had a job semi-lined up that flopped right before graduation day. It sucked. One of life’s lessons I guess. I have been applying to jobs and internships since then and nothing has come up. It gets discouraging. To you fellow graduates who are on the job hunt too, I understand the struggle. Keep persevering! I know how it can be depressing and frustrating to constantly hear rejection. Being involved in theatre, I’ve met rejection quite a few times and I know that it’s part of life, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still sting. I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t work hard enough and that I wasn’t worthy. I was SO hard on myself.

When you’re giving your best, it’s hard to hear that your best just may not be good enough. I guess I’ve always put pressure on myself to be successful and to have favorable outcomes, but when you don’t have any positive results, or necessarily know what direction to go in next, it becomes extra stressful and depressing. I never want to let people down or fall short in their expectations--or in mine.

After being sad, hurt, depressed and frustrated, I got to a point where I realized harboring these feelings will not help me to move forward or to better myself. Having these feelings was okay and expressing it was more than okay, but I began to understand that it’s what I do after letting myself fall apart that is most important.

So here’s what I’ve learned:

I’ve learned what I deserve. I’ve learned what I need in relationships and friendships. I’ve learned that not everyone will like you and that it’s okay. I’ve learned that the effort I output will not always be reciprocated...and that’s also okay. (it sucks, but it's okay). I’ve learned that you can be okay by yourself. I’ve learned to genuinely forgive.

I think the main thing the universe was trying to teach me this year was forgiveness. Forgiveness of others and most importantly, forgiveness of myself.

I’ve forgiven those who have left my life on such terms because I deserve to move forward without negative, hurtful strains. And also because I know that they have their reasons as well. Nothing is one sided and because of that, I know that I have many things to apologize for too.

I’m sorry.

Sometimes, we don’t realize that an action or inaction on our part can really affect someone else. This goes both ways. It's definitely something I am going to be more conscious of in 2018. I think it has the ability to change perspectives and forge better relationships.

Forgiving others is ~sometimes~ easier than forgiving yourself, but this is something that needs to be done too. There have been times this year where I didn’t recognize who I was. I was behaving in ways that are not like me. Why? My only explanation is that it was how I was coping with things this year. So many times I would sit in my room and think about why I did that, or why I said that, or why I let something develop into what it is. This lack of confidence and self-awareness took a toll on me; It still does to be honest, but I am learning to be conscious of how I deal with this and how to not let anxiety and overthinking take over. I cannot change the past. I cannot change the events of this year or years before. But I can grow from it. I’m rediscovering who Victoria is and that journey in itself is so gratifying.

It’s almost like a clean slate in that I feel like I can finally enter the new year with a consciously clear mindset towards others in my life and towards new people that enter it. I can really try to stay in a space of positivity and perseverance towards future goals and passions. I can grow as a person and be the best Victoria I can be.

Things happen for a reason and as cliché as that sounds, having that mentality when it comes to people, jobs, or whatever comes into your life, is the only way I've found to aid in the breakdown. The right people, the right job will come along. It’s become a mantra at this point.

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So be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. You never know exactly what they may be going through.

Be forgiving of others and of yourself because we are all guilty of hurting each other, but we are also deserving of graciousness, forgiveness and happiness.

Thank you 2017 for impressing these lessons.

Although you sucked for a good chunk, you had a plan all along.